SOULCALIBUR IV TITS MANUAL
SOULCALIBUR IV TITS SERIES

My point is, no victory can feel satisfying if it could have been achieved just as easily by a piece of electrical tape. (TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.) Perhaps it was because I was playing on Normal difficulty. There hasn't been a single round I couldn't get through by slinging my gormless opponent around like a drunken Amish square dance.

SOULCALIBUR IV TITS MANUAL

Frankly, I'm amazed the game even comes with a manual all you need is a picture of the 'Throw' button and a big arrow pointing to it. But winning a round in Soulcalibur IV doesn't feel like much of an accomplishment at all, at least not as much as popping a difficult sheet of bubble wrap. The satisfaction that comes of beating every challenge it has to offer and sitting back feeling faintly superior to all the names going past on the credit roll. So let's move on to the next way a game can be good: a feeling of accomplishment. You can run through each character's story in about half a lunch break, and all in all it feels like a flimsy and vestigial addition, included to mollify a sulking story writer who spent six weeks working out a complex epic before anyone told him it was a fighting game and that the story had been mostly cut to make way for more hairstyles and tits. Then the character picks up the big swords and does whatever stupid bollocks they had in mind for them. You pick a character, you're given a little scrolly-text backstory straight out of the 'what not to do' school of exposition, then you go through five disjointed fights in equally arbitrary locations before taking on the big baddie at the end. Well, that falls at the first hurdle with two broken kneecaps and a fireside poker lodged in its head, 'cause the story mode's a joke. I've been racking my magnificent brain going through all the ways a game can make itself fun and interesting to play, and none of them seem to apply. The motivation and backstory for all the characters is so bloody complex you need a fucking flowchart to get to grips with it, which the game actually thoughtfully provides in one of its many dalliances with total fucking pointlessness. Some people want to destroy them, some people want to stick them up their nose, and some people want to cover them in toffee and sell them at concession stands.

Anyway, the painfully slim justification for the twat-a-thon is that there's a big, evil chap on a tower who has the bluntest and most unreasonably large swords in the world, and everyone wants to have a go with them.

SOULCALIBUR IV TITS SERIES

Soulcalibur IV is the latest in the eternally-misspelled Soulcalibur series and is a fighting game themed around twatting each other with swords, all of which are apparently as blunt as roofing tiles, because they can't do more than knock people out. It's like squeezing a great big stress ball, except you're kicking it in the face and you're a skinny Japanese schoolgirl in your underpants.' But if you want to relieve stress you take a herbal bath or bang your head against a wall, neither of which cost $90 at your local electronics retailer. And whenever I mention this, people say the same thing: 'What's there to get? Violence is cathartic. I don't hate them, but then I've never frosted my pants over any of them either. I don't really understand fighting games.

Soulcalibur IV tits